(Source: m-o-r-e-o-v-e-r-w-a-s-t-e-d, via gwegg)
(Source: nic0tine-kisses, via -deadly)
(via mystical-membrane)
aunt jan died today.
suddenly.
friday may 11
tonight, i am sad, because tonight i am remembering. i don’t want to remember, in fact i would be perfectly content if this series of events crawled into a dusty corner of my brain and stayed there forever. i remember exactly who and what they said caused my starting the path of self-destruction. i was already a mess. fighting with you was exactly what i didn’t need - in the dead of winter. and let’s not play victim straight out - i did try to sort it out. i tried forgetting what you said, but it stuck with me. i had never felt such hatred towards another being before, and i didn’t know what to do with it, so i let it fester inside of me. while my new grade hung out together during breaks, i’d lie in the corner, sketching, writing, all of it full of anger. it wasn’t enough. it wasn’t just you, though, i was realizing that i can’t hide from things forever, and everything hit me at once. so there they were, and in an obvious place too - my arm. right where a watch would normally rest. not even on my wrists. they were right there, waiting to be seen. but they were well covered. i had never felt such relief before - like having your head full of everything, a big mess. all at once, they clear, hiding from your immediate consciousness, and there is relief. i was addicted.
“oh, my dog scratched me.” even though dogs do not scratch criss crossed, it worked. every excuse i ever made worked. here we are, over 3 years later. i have let you believe we are friends again, and for a bit i thought we really could be. however, every time i see you, with every hug or interaction, i could feel a monster inside, swelling with disgust at the sight of you. and every time i see you it just grows and grows, and i don’t know if you can tell. you probably can; i don’t care. now, i’m just grateful to make it through another winter, and have to hope it doesn’t follow me into the warm seasons. and you were the one that set it all off. like i said, if i could forget these things i would.
i don’t want to remember. not tonight.
(Source: melliflu0us, via o-x-y-c-o-n-t-i-n)
(Source: my-paradise-art, via kkkill)
damn, sometimes the right music helps so much.
but i can’t seem to keep them all straight
i’ve forgotten which ones i should skip and which ones
i should take
and i’m waiting for someone to shake me and say
hey bitch
don’t quit
you’re almost dead
don’t give up now
make friends instead
of going out
go home instead
of going down
go back to bed
(via o-x-y-c-o-n-t-i-n)
best weekend
that being from friday until the moment i left camp
because that meant going back.. here.
welcome home, monster.
